Ask For Help: Create & Structure Support

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WE NEED EACH OTHER! Especially when facing challenging situations, like preparing for, going through and recovering from surgery.

Me with special friends!

My experience (and belief) is that as social beings we need each other. We are inter-connected and need each other to grow and to thrive in all we do and undertake in life.

How are we inter-connected? Pick one: family, friends, school, team, spiritual affiliation, community, business, neighborhood, city, state, country. You are a part of and connected to something; something that doesn’t work without each of the other parts. When supported, parts can move forward. When unsupported, nothing moves.

With any kind of healthcare situation, planned or emergent, it is important to intentionally build in support throughout the entire process, from the planing phase through recovery; asking for help and support is paramount for success.

Asking for help – support –

may be one of the single most important things we do for ourselves,

yet, we do it very infrequently.

Support is important no matter who we are or what we’re going through. Support is the thing that allows us to make solid, sound, well thought out decisions and to thrive. With busy, full lives, pushed and pulled by work, family, friends, the Internet, T.V., cell phones, smart phones and all the rest, sometimes we forget that we still need each other. There is no substitute for person-to-person contact and support. As independent and self-sufficient as we think we are (and may appear), we still need each other. Doing it all ourselves is a myth that we've come to believe.

Consider this, depending on the procedure you have, you may be unable to perform even simple, basic, typical daily tasks or routines, especially simple household chores, that require bending, lifting, twisting, or standing for an extended period of time. Now is the time to ask for help and support. Intentionally - strategically - set the foundation and create structure from which will can be successful. 

Sometimes we don’t ask for help because we don’t know what to ask for and sometimes we don’t ask for help because we are afraid to ask. When faced with the need to ask for help, I’ve learned to ask myself, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” The answer is always the same, “nothing”, which is what will happen if I never ask. The great possibility, however, is that if I ask, I will get what I ask for, like help and support during a time I need it.

What does support look like? Feel like? Include?

Support has many faces. For example, I live in Salt Lake City, Utah and my mother and

Me 'n' Bert with Ann & Rocky! Thanks Ann!

father both live in Southern California. After my head injury I needed a great deal more support and structure than I had living alone in Utah, so I had to move back to California where first I lived with my brother and then a friend. In this case, support looked like living with someone who could assist me with some daily activities and encourage me as I healed - it was a scary time.

Many years earlier, when I had reconstructive knee surgery and had been completely unprepared and caught off guard with the healing and recovery process, support looked like my father getting on a plane and flying from California to Utah

Thanks dad!

and staying with me in my apartment for close to a month doing all the shopping, cookingand cleaning, including ferrying me back and forth to physical therapy and doctor appointments, all while sleeping on my futon. Thanks dad! I don’t know what I’d have done without you.

For my back surgery a couple of years ago I was more prepared and asked my mother – before I had surgery – if she would stay with me after my surgery. She accepted and in addition to staying with me following surgery, she became my greatest advocate before surgery, going to doctors appointments with me and patiently listening to me when I would have the occasional meltdown. And how grateful I

Thanks mom!

was after surgery for her patience as she checked my surgical site, helped me with ice packs, did all the cooking, errands, laundry, getting the mail, feeding and walking Bert the dog, all while I rested and healed, so I could rest and heal.

I have also had the opportunity to view recovery and support from the vantage point of a caregiver. On one assignment as a hired caregiver, I provided support to a 65-year old woman, who was recovering from lumbar spinal fusion surgery. The hospital discharge instructions from the surgeon were: 
(1) that she should lay flat on her back (knees up to take stress off the lower back) and rest so that the fusion process could take place, 
(2) to follow up in the surgeons the office in two weeks to have the surgical staples removed; and 
(3) to then follow up again in the office in six weeks to see how the fusion was progressing. 

Since following her 10-day hospital stay, her daughter and son-in-law, who lived with her, had to be out of town for several weeks, I was hired to live-in, check her incision, assist her in being comfortable, taking medications on schedule, prepare meals, do shopping and errands, manage the home health nursing aids that came to check her temperature, blood pressure and help her shower, clean the house, do laundry and care for, feed and clean up after her cats. During this period I was also her sounding board and voice when necessary. Going from a busy, strong, independent woman to having to lay flat on her back for several weeks was a big challenge for her, but having support allowed her to let go of the day-to-day and simply rest and focus on healing.

So, ask for help as you prepare for surgery. 

Reach out, call family members and friends and 

start laying the foundation for your process, for your success.

When asking others for help and support, I learned that seemingly large, overwhelming-feeling projects can be easier to manage and accomplish when broken down into smaller, one-step tasks. Large projects broken down into manageable tasks can easily be assigned to a family member, friend or other support person for help. Single tasks with clear objectives are quick and easy for people to understand and carry out correctly.

Your list of tasks will be particularly handy when someone says “Let me know if you need anything.” Ahhh, now you know how to take them up on their generous offer. Keep a list handy and ask for specific help. Being specific also allows for not overwhelming any one person with too much. A neighbor’s teenager can easily drag the garbage to the street and back once a week!

Here are some examples:

• “I need a ride each Tuesday at 10:00A to physical therapy (or to radiation, or, or …)"
• “My garbage cans need to be taken to the curb each Monday night and then returned to the garage Tuesday afternoon.” 
• A friend can easily grab you some groceries when they are at the store if you tell them what you need, “A dozen eggs, a pint of low-fat cottage cheese, two bananas and a yellow onion.”

What I know now is that life for me could have been easier 

if I’d asked for help and support.

Start creating a list of things you could use help and support with. A great tool to begin with is getting and using a simple, dedicated, spiral notebook (or even phone app) to track everything.

As you prepare it's helpful to write things down as you think of them. Notes are crucial for me! I keep refining my system for taking and keeping notes. Right now I use Evernote on my computer and the Calendar and Reminders features on my iPhone.

Arrange for help and support BEFORE surgery.

The time before surgery can be stressful, overwhelming and scary. Preparing ahead of time with a family member or friend can ease any feelings of burden and eliminate feelings of having to do it all alone. Sometimes even the simplest of tasks can feel overwhelming and like too much. These are normal feelings and they are indicators that it is time to ask for help.

Recruit and enroll your spouse, parent(s), siblings, relatives, friends, neighbors and co-workers to help and support you before and after surgery – for as long as you need it! My experience has been that generally, people want to help, but usually don’t know how, or what to do, so asking them for specific help and giving them specific tasks is really helpful.

Below are suggestions of tasks and projects that friends and family can assist you with prior to surgery. This list may look overwhelming, but hang in there, it’s broken into small, easy to accomplish tasks. These are just suggestions, so keep breathing, read on and see if it resonates for you. There are infinite ways to slice a pie, this is just one. 

Ask for help before surgery with:

• Brainstorming things that need to get accomplished prior to surgery.
• Organizing your thoughts, priorities and “to do’s.”
• Creating lists of things you’d like to remember, make notes of, get done, ask your doctor about, etc.
• Organizing your home – bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room – for safety, ease and mobility. (See Chapter 3 for lists of ideas on preparing and organizing everything from medical files to your living space.)
• Setting up a phone tree so that with one phone call your family and friends can get updated on your condition, or are ready in an instant in the event you need something right away.
• Setting up support and structure following the surgery. 
• Grocery shopping and food preparation.
• Mundane errands. Everything’s always funner and easier with a friend. 
• Going to doctor’s visits.
• Pre-arrange rides to and from the surgical center or hospital from a reliable adult. Patients must have a ride from the hospital/surgical center and will not be permitted to drive themselves. Driving yourself after any kind of anesthesia – or while on pain medication – is unsafe (and against the law) as anesthesia and pain medication can impair your ability to focus, make decisions, react or respond in the event of an emergency.
       Note: Reliable is important. I asked a boyfriend to pick me up after knee surgery once and he “forgot.” (Yes, super lame :O((.) Luckily, my friend Lisa was around and happily came and got me and stayed the night to make sure I was ok. “Note to self: ‘Reliable’, very important!”
• Pre-arrange rides physical therapy, or other appointments.
       Note: Following surgery, patients are often restricted from driving for potentially extended periods of time. This is especially true for patients who have had abdominal or thoracic surgery. Check with your doctor regarding possible driving restrictions and plan accordingly. (See pages 33–34 for more about driving after surgery.)
• Ask a family member or friend to stay with you for at least the first 24 hours following surgery. This is an IMPORTANT SAFTEY precaution, in the event of an unforeseen complication or emergency. This person is there “just in case” cause complications don’t happen on a schedule.
       If possible ask that person to stay with you longer than 24 hours. Best case scenario: someone is willing to stay with you for as long as it takes, which could look like someone spending the night in your guest room for a week or longer depending on the procedure you’ve had performed and how you are feeling.
       Note: Oral surgery (i.e., having a tooth or teeth pulled, etc.) and cataract surgery count as surgery! They are surgery and they require rides to and from and someone be with you for at least 24 full hours following the procedure. I confess that even my own mother needed a reminder on this one. She recently had cataract surgery and didn’t bother calling anyone to stay with her until the morning of. Oh mom.
       If it isn’t possible for someone to stay longer than 24 hours, then arrange to have someone drop by on a regular schedule to check on you and handle any little tasks you may need assistance with.
       For example, depending on the procedure and projected recovery, it could look like someone stopping by every day or every other day for 1–2 hours to straighten and tidy, pick things up off the floor, do some food preparation, assist with a seated shower, wash and blow-dry your hair, move heavy objects, take out the trash, change the cat litter box, do a load of laundry, get the mail, etc.     Create this schedule ahead of time with a reliable family member, friend or combination thereof.

Arranging for help AFTER surgery is equally important.

After surgery you may require more assistance than usual. That’s normal. Planning for extra help and support after surgery is smart. Too much help is a better problem to have than too little. Plan ahead.

Here are some examples of where physical support comes in handy:

• Taking or applying medications. For example, my friend’s mother is blind in one eye and required surgery on her good eye. Following surgery she needed to put an ointment in the surgical eye three times a day, but how do you do that – apply ointment into a “good”, but injured eye – when the other eye is blind? It requires help.
• Getting or adjusting ice or pillows for comfort.
• Getting in or out of bed or a chair.
• Walking up or down stairs, even with the use of a supportive rail and/or cane.
• Getting to the toilet including sitting down on to the toilet and/or getting up off the toilet.
• Bending or reaching to get a roll of toilet paper out of a low or high cupboard.
• Showering or bathing.
• Bending over the bathroom sink to brush your teeth and rinse.
• Placing items in or taking items out of the oven, refrigerator, or dishwasher.
• Picking up groceries AND putting them away.
• Getting prescriptions refilled.
• Preparing meals AND washing, drying and putting away pots, pans and dishes.
• Picking something up off the floor.
• Getting the mail.
• Taking out the trash.
• Taking trashcans out to the curb on trash day.
• Helping with children – taking/picking them up from school, etc.
• Watering plants, which means lifting and carrying watering cans, and bending down or reaching up to water plants.
• Doing laundry, which includes: bending and lifting laundry from the laundry basket into the washer, lifting heavy detergent bottles, then lifting wet laundry into the dryer, then bending to get clothes out of the dryer. Laundry also entails standing for long periods of time folding clean clothes and carrying stacks of clothes to be putting away, which can again require bending or reaching.
• Housekeeping and chores. Regular household tasks require standing, bending, lifting and even twisting. These may be contra-indicated activities for a while.
• Pet care. Feeding, changing water, walking, cleaning up after them.  If it’s a dog(s), letting them in or out of the house. It might be important to implement some pet management too. Pets that normally jump on the bed can be a problem (startling someone resting or landing on an incision – ouch). Pets that have a tendency to jump up can cause you to loose your balance and possibly fall.
• Rides to/from work when you’re ready to return to work.

It’s important to know who can help when. Some people can only help on the weekends while others can help during the week. For example, I sometimes work nights, so am available and flexible during the day. Other friends work during regular business hours and are only available in the evenings or on weekends. Create a reference list or schedule of available friends you can call and their availability. This is a handy list to have as a reminder.

As you prep, better too much help than too little. It’s easier to send someone home, than to feel anxious because something is falling through the cracks.

Stay tuned for information on my book release announcement.  ;0))

In the meantime,  

Remember, YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THIS!